The past few weeks have been tough. Not as tough as the weeks/months leading up to my hospitalization, but hard as hell nonetheless. I have been going for my TMS treatments on a steady schedule again and have tried a short stint on a new medication as well. The TMS has helped a great deal with my depression, but hasn’t brought me back to my fully functioning state yet. Unfortunately, although I’m not firing on all cyclinders as of yet I still have responsibilites that don’t give a damn if I’m well or not, they need to be taken care of. Thankfully my mom and big sister have really really come through in the clutch and taken the reigns on many things I need handled.The only downside to this is the tremendous guilt I feel for being a burden. I may or may not address this in a future post. But I imagine many people who live with a mental illness and have highly supportive families and/or friends have similar feelings.
Although I have had an overall decrease in my depression, I’m now in the very wobbly place of frequent and severe mood swings. I happen to cycle rapidly and can go from being hopeful about the future, to wishing I was dead, to organizing my closet and planning outfits. I isolate myself the most at times like these because I’m very rarely met with understanding during these episodes. I don’t really fault people for being angry with me when I agree to go do something and then flake out and cancel last minute. Or when I do go out, changing from being a fun companion to sucking the life out of the room. So I opt to keep it contained and have it effect as few people as possible.
I’ve also recently gotten some news from my medical doctor that is both good and not so good. For the past 4 months, along with the depression and anxiety, I’ve felt horrible physically. On top of the pain from the car accident that has still yet to go away or even ease up, I’ve felt a whole mish mosh of symptoms that have had me concerned. Extreme exhaustion, weight gain, daily headaches, dizzy spells, and pretty drastic drops in my blood pressure. So I went and got some blood work run and everything is all normal. So the only other option is that all of the physical symptoms are in my head too. Yes, I know depression can manifest itself in physical symptoms and blah blah blah, but knowing that it can get this bad for me adds another level of anxiety on to a mountain of fears. Now, every time I feel out of sorts I have to wonder if it’s all in my head. If it’s not, I have to deal with doctors who take one look at my medical history and assume that I’m just “stressed” and have to argue to actually have any diagnostic work done. (Which I’ve already had to do in regards to my PCOS diagnosis) As someone with a mental illness, very few things I say are taken at face value, and now I’m also left questioning myself.
To add to the deluge of disturbances constantly popping up, I was just tried on a new medication in hopes that it would help with my mood swings. I was able to tolerate it for all of 2 days and spent the following 4 working it out of my system. I was completely cognitively impaired. My speech became painfully slow. I couldn’t stay awake. I couldn’t but o cohesive thought together and my short term memory was trash. So I couldn’t blog. I couldn’t read. Just deciding what to eat was a challenge. So being productive was out of the question. But working or doing something constructive with my time is actually one of the ways I cope with my depression, and by not being able to do anything I became very depressed all over again. But as you can see from this post, my period of mental haziness has pretty much lifted. I still don’t have all the energy to get everything I need and want done, but baby steps and what not.