As per usual, I’ve been struggling with my depression. That’s why you haven’t really seen many new posts here, not many convos on Twitter, and definitely not a lot of new Instagram posts. Last night, as I was struggling to sleep, I started to think about what keeps me going, what keeps me struggling through one day to the next. And the one answer I came up with was traveling. It wasn’t my friends or family. It wasn’t wanting to figure out what my purpose is. It wasn’t fear of the unknown. It was simply being able to get out and leave my own life behind for a few days.
While traveling, no matter how far from home, doesn’t solve any of my problems or even eliminate my depression as I was contemplating suicide on a beach in Jamaica, it does something else for me. I get to see another reality. Sometimes it’s nice sometimes it’s not, but I get to SEE. Being at home everything is “monotone” if that makes sense. The familiarity is mindnumbing. Home is comfortable, but it’s not always what I need. Stepping out into a new state or country gives me the jolt I need to not feel so dead inside.
I know that being able to travel, even infrequently as I do, is a privilege. I wish I could share it with everyone. Not just share pictures and videos, but the feelings. I was hesitant to share more of my traveling experiences on this blog because I didn’t want my readers to feel bad about not being able to do it themselves or alienate anyone. However, I decided that in the New Year I will blog about my adventures. I decided on this because, for a huge part of my life, I never thought even leaving the tri-state area was a possibility for me and I hope I can encourage others that do hope to one day explore the world. I also hope to be able to entertain those that are happy right where they are.
While my blog is a brand, it is still meant to represent me. I am more than my mental illness and I am more than my love of makeup. I want everyone to know and see this.